True confession…as much as I would like to believe otherwise, and even convince others of to the contrary, things get to me. In spite of my best efforts to be present, to be grounded, to have perspective, to take it in stride. And it has been kicking my ass of late.

What I have determined as I attempt to climb out of this hole I’m in is that growth is upon you when you are confronted with change, and everything that used to work for you no longer does. When you have absolutely no idea how to proceed, how to figure things out, then that is a good indication that you are growing. I have said repeatedly in my leadership development work, that going from a state of unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don’t know), to conscious incompetence (now knowing what you don’t know) is one of the most terrifying transitions to go through. And yet so necessary in the development as a leader.

Guess what? It applies to personal change as well. And that is squarely where I am right now. It probably doesn’t help matters that I judge the fact that I should be dealing with it better. But I have been lulled into a state of “control” for some time now, believing that everything I had experienced to this point was enough to get me through my current state of growth and change. Not even.

Save for one practice, that is. And it is a bitch.

Surrender. 

God, it’s hard to even write it. But the honest truth is when I allow myself to intone those words that come so hard for me….I DON’T KNOW…how, or when, or why, or even what. I don’t know, and I’m giving up trying to believe that I should know, then it doesn’t feel so bad anymore. There is still the not knowing. And the things that bedevil me about how to fix, or overcome, or in some other way DO something with, are still there. But I can somehow laugh at them now.

And know, in some meaningful way that I cannot fully describe now, that this growth is necessary.