Truth, is

I am tired of myself this way,

whining at the world in expectation

of a salvation delivered.

 

I am tired of myself this way,

shuffling from one unfinished room to the next

waiting for inspiration to move me to action.

 

I am tired of myself this way,

proclaiming meaningless truths to those I love

unseeing of the precious time I have wasted.

 

I am tired of myself this way,

finding roots of the undesired

run deep in my bones.

 

I am tired of myself this way,

failing to name what I am

and what I desire to be.

 

The hardest surrender

is to let go of that which is not named

and to be unknown even to myself.

 

 

Advertisements

True Growth Feels Like Shit

True confession…as much as I would like to believe otherwise, and even convince others of to the contrary, things get to me. In spite of my best efforts to be present, to be grounded, to have perspective, to take it in stride. And it has been kicking my ass of late.

What I have determined as I attempt to climb out of this hole I’m in is that growth is upon you when you are confronted with change, and everything that used to work for you no longer does. When you have absolutely no idea how to proceed, how to figure things out, then that is a good indication that you are growing. I have said repeatedly in my leadership development work, that going from a state of unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don’t know), to conscious incompetence (now knowing what you don’t know) is one of the most terrifying transitions to go through. And yet so necessary in the development as a leader.

Guess what? It applies to personal change as well. And that is squarely where I am right now. It probably doesn’t help matters that I judge the fact that I should be dealing with it better. But I have been lulled into a state of “control” for some time now, believing that everything I had experienced to this point was enough to get me through my current state of growth and change. Not even.

Save for one practice, that is. And it is a bitch.

SurrenderScreen Shot 2014-07-10 at 5.26.49 AM

God, it’s hard to even write it. But the honest truth is when I allow myself to intone those words that come so hard for me….I DON’T KNOW…how, or when, or why, or even what. I don’t know, and I’m giving up trying to believe that I should know, then it doesn’t feel so bad anymore. There is still the not knowing. And the things that bedevil me about how to fix, or overcome, or in some other way DO something with, are still there. But I can somehow laugh at them now.

And know, in some meaningful way that I cannot fully describe now, that this growth is necessary.